It got a bit lengthy, so bear with me!
I have a phobia of falling.
Even as a small child, I remember having this unreasonable fear. One of my earliest nightmares was of me tumbling down the stairs in our old house on Siemens street. We moved from there when I was only two. I would feel my stomach lurching as I was falling. As an adult, this fear turned into more of a phobia. I say that because, it stops me from enjoying many activities. I refuse to ski or ice skate. Climbing ladders makes me feel nauseated; I am even uncomfortable watching someone else on ladders! I practically faint if Keith goes up on the roof! Recently some people from work arranged a sign up for zip lining. It looks like incredible fun, but there’s not enough money in the world! Don’t even talk about parachuting or hot air ballooning! I don’t mind heights, as long as there is a sturdy railing to hold onto. When we went on the London Eye, I felt ill. It had glass bottomwed capsules that you went up in. I had to sit down with my head in my hands as it made me feel really ill to look down all that way.
I see God in the details.
I see God in the details.
Maybe that’s why I never get bored. Even to look at a flower and all its intricate parts. Have you ever looked at a close up of a bug? The veins in a leaf, the flecks in someone’s eyes. How many different shades of each colour there are. Every tree has a different bark and so does every dog. Even the tiniest diamond or drop of dew captures reflections of the huge world. We can’t see the wind, but we can see the dust swirling in it and the leaves fluttering on their branches. The lone eagle circling on the rising thermals and the flock of a hundred small birds moving as one. Is this why I love photography so much? Because I just want to capture those images and share the beauty I see? I also see Him is many people. I have had the privilage of being blessed with some wonderful people in my life. My birth family, my Love of my life, our children and life long friends. I am so very blessed.
Perhaps there is also something bad in everyone too. The path we take is a choice. Many people have blamed their circumstances or their parents for their actions. I believe that we as parents are obligated to foster the good and caring side of our children’s natures. We are their example. Who we are is their first lesson in life. So certainly, if we neglect this responsibility, our children will have a more difficult time growing into thoughtful individuals. But I have seen people who have come from terrible backgrounds, and turn that into a learning experience and chose to live better. I have also seen people who came from loving nurturing families become monsters. During my years working at our Provincial Psychiatric Hospital, I saw both. I also saw that the meanest person also has a good side. There were child molesters, wife beaters and murderers in there. Who for the greater part, were nice people. Not that I would trust them for a minute. But they aren’t monsters all the time. Most of these perpetrators expressed remorse and self-hatred for their actions. And many would rather stay locked up than be allowed the freedom to be out in the world where they could so easily recommit. Every day I spent there I thought to myself “There, but for the grace of God, go I”. Because mental illness can strike up camp in any mind.
I am at peace with neutral.
I like to be surrounded by bland walls. My house is cream in the main living area with tan carpet, a pale clay in the dining room and kitchen with beige tiles on the floor. Most of the bedrooms are some shade of light brown. The exterior is white and gray! It feels uncluttered and peaceful. I feel really brave when I put bright accent colours into the mix. Much like my life, I like things safe and dull on the whole. Predictable and calm suits me fine. A red comforter, or a turquoise cushion in a room is a bold statement, equal to taking a step higher up the ladder! Once I painted the living room a nice sage green colour, nothing too bright, still in the traditional range. But it made me feel crowded and almost as though I couldn’t quite get a full breath. I painted it cream again after only a few months! It’s been this way for a few years now and its time to spruce up a bit. I am going to stick with the same cream colour but I may go out on a limb and paint the end wall in the dining room red! I can always paint over it if it’s too scary!
I can forgive other’s mistakes, but not my own.
We all screw up sometimes. Its part of being human. Even really bad screw-ups, I can get over. I just hope the one doing the screwing up has learned a lesson and some humility. If I didn’t have the capacity to forgive, then I know I would become bitter. There have been times when I feel I have been badly wronged, thankfully, not too many. Until I was able to move past the event, I would feel very stressed and sometimes depressed. When I am at odds with someone I truly care about, I feel ill with remorse. Falling out with a dear one is almost as though that person has died. I cant live with that feeling. It is much easier for me to forgive and move on than to stay angry. There have been some big mistakes that I have made, things that I am ashamed of. I try to move past them but I find it almost impossible to put those things to rest. Long after whomever I hurt has forgiven me, I will continue to have guilt smoldering in the back of my mind. Not healthy but I cant help it.
I love to sing.
There is something that must equal the release of endorphins in my brain when I sing. The natural high. If I am angry or feeling sad, singing will always cheer me. I loved singing right from being little. My family didn’t go to church, but mum always sent us to Sunday School. After Sunday School, Church would start and I loved to hear the singing. Sometimes, I would sneak back to church and sit in the back row so I could join the singing. ‘How Great thou Art’ and ‘Amazing Grace’ gave this eight year old goose bumps. After we moved to Canada, we were sent to Sunday School here and by the time I was 11, I started regularly attending church. It was the only place where I could sing at the top of my voice and not annoy every one around me! I no longer attend church regularly; life is just to full to spare that Sunday morning. Besides now I discovered Karaoke!
I am double jointed.
When I was younger I would pop my hips and shoulders, jaw, elbows and fingers out of joint. I was so flexible that I could easily bend over and put my hands flat on the floor. I could wrap my leg around my neck and even my tongue could touch my nose. My doctor said, It’s actually that I have very loose ligaments. As I get older I am still able to do some of those things but at a cost. My shoulders now are starting to feel like the rotator cup is wearing out. My hips are on fire after only a couple of slow dances, and I don’t mean the fire in my loins kind of thing either. I can still easily touch the floor, but there is so much gut in the way that I can’t breath! I can’t chew gum or my jaw feels like it will fall off. The last time I tried the leg around the shoulder trick, my neck cramped up for an hour, plus the whole GUT issue got in the way too!
The bond between souls can’t be broken when the heart stops beating. How can something so intangible cease to exist? The love shared between two people never stops. That’s why we say, ”they will live on in the hearts of those left behind."
Whether it is the love between a parent and child, husband and wife, or good friends. When souls mesh on earth, two become one. The older I become, the more precious the loves I have in this life are to me. When my husband heads off to work, I say to him “Drive safe and be careful” What I really mean is “You had better come home to me coz I can't live without you” But deep inside, I know without a doubt. that when the time comes for one of us to move beyond this world, the incredible love we share will always stay alive.