Thursday, July 20, 2006
Letter to Pets
Dear Dogs and Cats,
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my
food. Please note that placing a paw print in the
middle of my plate and food does not mean it becomes
your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway is not a racetrack. Beating me to the
bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than
you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I
am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue
sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and
cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.
It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each
other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I
also know that sticking tails straight out and having
tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is
nothing but sarcasm and disrespect.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If, by some miracle, I beat you there and
manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to
claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or stick your
paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I
must exit through the same door I entered. I have been
using the bathroom for years--canine or feline
attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other
dogs or cat's asses, NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND. I
cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the
following message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Always Complain
About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want hair on your clothes, stay off
the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture )
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted
son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours,
and does not speak clearly.
Dogs and cats are better than kids because they: eat
less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to
train, usually come when called, never drive your car,
don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or
drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest
fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a
gazillion dollars for college, and if they get
pregnant, you can sell their children.